Handling the Holidays after a Loss by Nancy Hamlin
My mother died on July 1, 1993, so we went into my daughter’s
birthday, (November 25th), Thanksgiving, and Christmas thinking we
had grieved. When I look back on this
time, I want to laugh at how totally crazy were we in thinking that we had even
begun to understand what my mother’s death meant for our family.
I went “over the top” for my daughter’s birthday, making this
elaborate Teddy Bear cake from a mold, and I think it took me 6 hours to put
the star frosting on, star by star.
Julia had far too many presents for a 2-year-old, one present after another. She couldn’t even comprehend all of the
unnecessary bounty.
I was frantic. I didn’t stop
moving. I made Thanksgiving dinner and
then proceeded to buy tons of Christmas presents. On Christmas day, my husband, daughter,
father, and brother kept opening presents until we were exhausted. I remember
us sitting in my parent’s living room after opening the presents. We were all very quiet, just looking at each
other, and I remember feeling…terrible, just terrible. What was wrong? What did
I miss? What didn’t I do right? Why did I feel so incredibly sad?
The answer is that I had not planned on anything feeling different. I
had not planned on what it was going to feel like to NOT have my mother at my
daughter’s 2nd birthday, or at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New
Year’s. I so wish I had. I so wish we
had. We caused ourselves unnecessary additional pain because we were all
pretending that we could just “go on” without her and not feel this amazing
void, this huge hole in our lives. Oh my. It was so sad…
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We just lost our baby daughter on November 16th. I don't even want to go to any family holiday thing this year. I would rather just stay home with my husband. I feel like I don't have to face anything when it's just him and I. We understand how each other feels, we can laugh, or cry, and it doesn't matter. I don't want to deal with the "looks" or the "longer hugs" or the awkward "How are you doing?"...I mean, really how do you even answer that? I wish I knew how to THRIVE with the loss of my daughter, but I can't even grasp that I have lost her yet...I mean, I'm still supposed to be pregnant, she goes 3 months early, fights for a week, and goes home to God.
ReplyDeleteDear Sarah, we are deeply sorry for your loss. The conflict of the “holiday season” and your “grieving season” will further heighten the pain and tension you are experiencing. We encourage you to take time for yourself to grieve, empowering yourself to choose the places and people you can tolerate to engage with now and if/when you have had enough, know it is ok to retreat and do some healthy hiding. For more thoughts on approaching the days ahead, I have posted the audio recording of our Handling the Holidays teaching held on 11/13/13 on the upper right section of this site. You can listen to this by following the link and downloading it. We also suggest you register and attend the next Grief Support Workshop by following the link on this site.
DeleteAnd lastly, for those people who ask “How are you?”, it is your choice to share, how much you share or not to share at all. I find a simple “taking one day at a time” is enough for most people and I encourage you to embrace this in practice. This is a time to simplify your commitments and take each day as it comes. We pray you will find remnants of peace in your current ruptured world.